Welcome to the second instalment of my series on etiquette. At some point in most of our lives, realistically multiple points, we have all done the dance of gifts. Do I give one for this occasion, for this person? Should I reciprocate in response? How much do I spend? The questions go on and on. I very much appreciate there being gift-giving and -receiving etiquette, as I would otherwise be lost.
Should I give a gift to this person?
This can be a difficult question. Here is Emily Post’s complete list of gift-giving occasions (Chapter 28 of Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18):
-Holidays
-An overnight visit
-Dinner at your host’s house
-A “thank you” for doing a favour
-Year-end to a service provider
-Baptism
-Bris
-Naming Ceremony
-First Communion
-Confirmation
-Bar or Bat Mitzvah
-Get well gift
-Condolence gift or contribution
-Ordination or Profession of Vows
-Birthday
-Graduation
-Anniversary
-Retirement
-Engagement
-Wedding
-Wedding or baby shower
-Housewarming
**The holiday season- I’m unsure of how this was left off, given this is the time that most of us struggle
I think we find it confusing a good deal of the time, though. If someone invites a group of people out to dinner to celebrate their birthday, do you get a gift? If you are getting together with someone around the holidays, do you need to bring a bring a gift for them because it is the holidays? I am a young professional, and not that flush with money, it’s not really feasible. I maintain a loose list of people in my head that I will budget for a gift for birthdays and Christmas, and I try to have a card for everyone else.
For favours/overnight stays/dinner, I will often bring food or wine that I know the host/ess will appreciate. I’ll be honest, I only really remember my parents’ anniversary and I get a card for that, and sometimes give them baking. I would find it odd to celebrate someone else’s anniversary (save for milestones being celebrated publicly).
What about the minefield of wedding and related gifts?
I have had not so pleasant experiences with weddings and wedding showers in the past, so I have mixed feelings on that.
-In my opinion, if you cannot attend a wedding shower, you do not have to send a gift. You should not invite someone to a bridal shower if you are not inviting them to the wedding.
-If you cannot attend a wedding, you should still send a gift.
-It is common practice where I live for people to include “Presentation preferred” on their invitation- which makes me want to burn the invitation and never go near them again. You cannot request money- this is not in any way appropriate, EVER. If someone cannot afford to give money, you are putting them in an incredibly awkward situation.
-If you can’t give money, you can certainly give them a card, a physical gift, or an offer of housework/babysitting/cooking, whatever you can. It is the thought behind the gift, and that is just as suitable! You are showing them that you care.
What about graduation/retirement/professional achievement/condolences?
I would go with the simple but beautiful flowers! Even for men, you could do a small arrangement with an accompanying card. Most people receive flowers sparingly, so they do carry quite a bit of meaning! There are also different flowers associated with most of the occasions, which still provides guidance if you aren’t aware of their favourite flowers.
How should I thank someone when I receive a gift?
The traditional answer? Mailing them a thank you card! It doesn’t have to be long, but just a small note thanking them for the gift and what you intend to do with it (if that is appropriate). The “new” answer? Giving them the thank you card when you see them in person, or emailing them. I personally am not a fan of emails- if you do have a few small cards at home (which I recommend), just grab one and take 30 seconds to write it. Yes, email is convenient. But someone has gone out of their way to give you a gift, so your own convenience should not be the biggest consideration. I do not ever recommend publicly thanking someone for a gift via FB wall or the like.
Do you have any gift-giving stories to share?? Any tips or guidelines to share??
Until tomorrow,
The Historian!
