I’d like to think that at least with my blog, I’ve been keeping it together for the last month or two. It takes so much more planning and forethought and energy than it ever did before to keep the blog going, but I’m hoping that it’s still enjoyable and useful to everyone as it was before. If you aren’t interested in a personal post, I’m not offended if you don’t read today’s post- Style File Friday is back on Friday, as usual.
Although I can “hold it together” for longer periods of time than I could at the beginning, it’s been four months and I’m still not coping overly well. It’s a constant barrage of “It’s been X amount of time, you have to move on” and “take as much time as you need”, and then trying to figure out some sort of balance between the two, because I do need time (much, much more time) but I don’t want to hold myself back. And it’s exhausting to discuss it with most anyone aside from three or four people, so it’s also a balance of trying to not be rude to someone reaching out because they care and coping as best I can myself.
I still can’t see anything to do with Seattle. Or with Dublin. Or with grad school. Or with baseball. Or with airports. Or with travel. Or with holidays and vacation time. Or with a hundred other things and not have the wind knocked out of me and tears rush to my eyes. It’s a reminder that the person that I thought was my best friend wants nothing to do with me. It’s a reminder that at one point, I was happy and had plans to do something with my life. It’s a reminder that I finally felt like who I was supposed to be and it turned out to be a lie. It’s a reminder that I am alone, and will probably stay that way because the risk of all of this again isn’t worth anything that might be gained. It’s a reminder that the person that I loved never loved me. Its a reminder that the one time I finally took a risk, my entire world fell apart. And that’s incredibly hard to describe to someone at the best of times, least of all when I can barely catch my breath and continue being a functioning person (because this typically doesn’t happen when you are by yourself but usually at work or out in public or with friends).
For some particular reason that I can’t figure out, my brain likes to bring up memories that I never thought of before but now can’t get out of my head. Walking down a street in Dublin when we were getting groceries. Checking into a hotel in York. At the dog park in Salt Lake. All of these things that I never thought of just keep running through my brain on a cycle. To everyone who just says, “do other things to distract yourself”, I am a multi-tasker. I can be writing a blog post or doing yoga or cooking and thinking of these things at the same time. It’s not a switch that I turn off and it’s gone. I more than appreciate all of my friends who have gone above and beyond to keep me doing things and spending time with me and checking in with me, but it’s always there in the back of my mind.
I don’t know where I stand on anything anymore. I don’t know that I believe any relationship is worth it. I don’t know what my life is or what I’m going to do with it. I don’t know what career I want. I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know if I regret any of the last five years, because quite frankly I’m doing my best to compartmentalise that away so that I can maybe make it through a day without crying. At this point and time, the not knowing is about as bad or worse than knowing I’m unwanted. And I don’t know how to cope with that.
Agnes is my bright spot- she reminds me that although people can be pretty terrible, dogs will always be there for you. She snuggles when I need it the most, keeps me on my feet, and can always make me smile. I can honestly say, I don’t know where I would be at right now without her.
To everyone who has been patient and understanding with me, your kindness, time, and care means the world to me. Thank you for being willing to listen, watch out for me, and push me when I need it.