As many of you regular readers know, this is a tough time for me. I’ve got no idea what my future will be, or even who I am. It’s easy enough to say that it is whatever I want it to be (which I seem to hear so often), but it can’t be what I want it to be. Although it’s incredibly overwhelming, I spend a great deal of time thinking about the future and what it might look like (whether I like it or not)- while thinking about the future freezes me, not having any idea of what it holds also freezes me. This is going to be a very personal post, but one of my blog goals is to stay open with everyone.
It’s difficult to think about the future when you are terrified all of the time. I’m terrified that I’m going it all alone, terrified that I’m going to make more people’s lives worse, terrified that I just can’t do this on my own. When you can’t even think about tomorrow, how do you think about next year? However, if you are a planner like me, it’s just as hard to have a life in free fall that doesn’t have any direction left. So, that leaves me stuck in place with no place, not a wonderful place to be.
Find a Focus
Currently, my focus is looking for a new car (because I’m probably going to need to get one in the next six months, and planning for my westie. The car thing is not so fun because I a) think cars are stupid and get no enjoyment out of them, and b) I hate figuring out math. However, planning for Agnes is offering me a ray of hope. I know that it’s a lot of responsibility and a lot of work, and that currently right now I’m still barely holding on. I won’t have an option once I have her though- I’m going to have to be there for her for every single thing, and that’s going to be my motivation. I also know that she will love me no matter what, even if I’m exhausted and crying for the third time that day. Also, there is just a lot of planning to do. Shots, food, toys, spaying, carrier, socialisation, obedience classes, medication, the list keeps going. (The way that I like it!)
Tell the Truth
I don’t tell every single person the extent of my feelings at any given moment, but if friends ask how I’m doing, I will usually be honest and tell them that it’s a tough day or a good day or I’m just entirely confused. I’ve never been at a state in my life where I’ve not been able to hold it together at least somewhat; it takes energy that I don’t have to tell people that everything is entirely wonderful and fine. So, the honest truth it is. While it doesn’t necessarily make it easier, it at least doesn’t make life harder, and that’s all I can ask for right now. I’m finding that I have to keep my mind busy and occupied all of the time, or else my mind runs away with me, and this is something that I’ve had to share with people. I had to ask at a massage appointment if I could listen to an audiobook because listening to quiet music gives me far too much time to think; while I was embarrassed to have to ask, it made a big difference to me.
This goes along with telling the truth- reaching out to people I am comfortable with helps. I truly appreciate everyone who has offered to talk- I still very well may take you up on that- but I’m finding that reaching out to the people that I instinctively do is helping. They will listen to me through the tears (and even just let me cry), help distract me when I need it, talk me through my scary moments, and anything else I need. I know that part of the hardest part of anything is feeling alone and I’m trying my hardest to stay open, even if it’s only with a few people. This is particularly difficult, because I’m struggling with putting my issues on other people, but I trust them to tell me if it’s too much for them.
I don’t know that this is a particularly healthy coping mechanism, but I’ve taken compartmentalising to an extreme. I can’t think about the past in any way, and as I’ve mentioned above, the future is a tricky place to go, too. Therefore I live in a very small place known as today. I keep putting things that remind me of anything away. I don’t want to throw them out as I’m sure that years down the road I will regret getting rid of half of my wardrobe and countless other mementos; however, it’s enough to bring on nausea and dizziness and more tears than you would think a person could have. Music, you live in this compartment here. Travel memories, you live in this one over here. Movies, you are over there. Maybe I can come visit your compartments in the future, but for right now, I’ve got to stay here on my own.
Accept It All
As difficult as it all is, acceptance is the hardest. Not having a say in anything, not knowing what anything is or will be, not having an idea of who I am anymore, it’s cruel and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. However, I can’t do anything about it at the moment. Everyone can tell you that you should grab life by the horns and do whatever you want, but it’s easy to say that when you don’t dread waking up and going to sleep at night, when you can eat actual meals all the time, and when you can face yourself. Right now, that’s not happening for me, and it is what it is. All I can do is what I can do, and that is life. I don’t know when, but at some point, things may get easier. Beating myself up for feeling frozen and scared unsurprisingly only makes that worse, acceptance is the first step.
We can plan for our lives as much as we want, but unfortunately, most of life is out of our control. Sometimes we are going to be hit harder than others, and all you can do is try.